July 09, 2002
Finding the Inner Manager

The Voices section has been updated with a minor rambling about how I roleplay. I'll probably expand on the subject eventually, but then, the Voices section is also probably a really good section to begin to develop that game system Josh and I were working on writing at one point.

*pauses* *stares off into space* *shakes head to wake up*

Mm, that reminds me that I also need to writeup a page for SSC and to do a rambling for Jenn's page for it. Hm. *thoughtful look*

I've got a lot of writing to do. Maybe this weekend, assuming I have the laptop in SOME working condition.

But anyway... thinking about the Voices made me realize... I haven't generated a "me" personality in a long time. One to deal with aspects of life. And maybe that's why I've found it so difficult to be a manager.

I haven't made one up.

I've said all along that managing is a lot like writing, or rather, even more like GMing. I'm running the show, and scripting the basics, but the players are all complete wildcards, and I have to do my damnedest to read them in order to get the things done and going in the right direction. Yeah, its a lot like GMing. I also have to come up with the right things to say at the right time.

The thing is, there is no manager in my head. There are a lot of leaders, and I think that in part, they are the Voices that have been getting me through this. But I need a role I can simply slip into, so I see Her reflection in my mirror instead of my own, and She makes the decisions that I don't think I can. If I play the role, things will happen and come out correctly -- I trust my Voices for that, at least. They know more than I do.

I suppose that means I know it too, somewhere deep inside. But I can't get at it consciously, so I let a Voice do it for me.

So far I've nicknamed the manager one "the Bitch". I'm not always sure I like her. She's harder than I am, more analytical. But then, she has to be. But she also gets things done, and seems to be doing a far better job than I ever did at my own job. *smiles* In some strange way, I'm finally getting comfortable in some aspects of it. Odd, really.

She is also oddly patient, displaying an ability to knock down an argument and simply stop it in its tracks, to make people listen to her. Then to state what needs to be stated, again and again, until it is understood -- if it is EVER understood. Her patience wanes when she is ignored. It dwindles rapidly when hse is outright and willfully ignored. Her temper flares like mine does, but she tempers it. She has all of my sarcasm, and needs more limiters on her speech -- it is as if everything I have learned not to say, she says. Which can be BAD. I have to take over and stop her at times, before sarcastic bites slip out and gnaw on someone or something.

But having her around eases the pressure. Perhaps because I share it with her, and share mental real-estate with her. Perhaps because I am absolved in some strange way from what happens, even though I know that it is me in all respects still. Or perhaps because she is knew to it, and already knows it all, when I do not. And she gives me the confidence that I lack, and the confidence to do what I already know needs doing during the day.

She even gave me the time today to allow the Programmer to surface briefly. To involve myself indulgently in a programming project, discussing the hows and aspects with another developer until I realized that I had forgetten to let Mom surface to go collect the kidlet for her gymnastics class.

Yes, I do speak of myself in the third person. Regularly. All of me. I think Dani's gotten the habit from me. When she starts referring to herself as *different* people in the third person, I'll know she's as cracked as I am. *grins*

And sometimes I think its healthy to be a little bit insane. Controlled insanity, for a purpose. It works for me.

Posted by Deb Atwood at July 09, 2002 10:52 PM
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