January 12, 2003
Not Feeling Right

I'm having a not so good night. That seems like when I write, right? When I'm frustrated and depressed? Well, yeah.

I feel like I'm fighting against myself, trying to get things done. I feel like I'm fighting against life. Fighting against trying to be myself and everything else at once. ANd of course, I'm frustrated by things that one cannot blog about, be they work or personal or whatever.

Which means I'm dying to write, to talk, and cannot. Which makes it all the more frustrating.

Its been a long weekend. Kevin had to work -- both days. So by the time he got home, we went out to run errands, and I'd gotten nothing done all day. I did plan a menu today, for the week, but that's blown up already because tomorrow's dinner isn't defrosted yet, so I can't set up the crockpot contents before I go to bed. Still rock hard actually, so that gets put off until Tuesday or Wednesday dinner. *sighs* I'm just relieved the laundry's done. But I'm frustrated by misunderstandings between Kevin and I.

Every time I think I'm starting to get a handle on my life and figure out how to live it to stay in the manic stage, something happens and suddenly I've swung the other way. I spent most of the first week of 2003 really really up. Things are coming together at work (more about that when it all goes official) and I'm settling into a good phase there, I think. I've been writing, which always makes me happy because it is such a dream of mine. I've been better with the kids -- not losing my temper so much because the rest of me is on a more even keel. The diet's still been horrible, and I cannot breathe thanks to the latest cold. So that's not good, and still frustrating. But hells, I had more of me under control than usual before this weekend.

Then this weekend hit, and we had such fun things like this morning Ryan blew out and made a huge mess and got an impromptu sponge bath and all his linens washed. *sighs* And tomorrow morning Kevin has to be to work early, which means not only do I have to get the kids going on my own, but I get less sleep than usual because he gets me up. With any luck, Ryan'll sleep through the night. And oh yeah, Ry's not eating solid food right now -- he's on a milk only, well just about, kick. So that's just totally messing up his digestive system (like this morning).

Dani's being good, but she's so excited about her birthday party that I'm just about ready to scream. I'm trying to organize everything for 20 little kids at the YMCA and a date with my husband the night before so that we can have some nice times for *his* birthday. And then I figure the next morning will be just like Christmas so we'll be doing the whole thing on very little sleep. And of course, the whole house has to be cleaned top to bottom before the birthday because the relatives will come back to the house after the kids party.

*tired groans* I don't know how to do it, I don't know when to do it. I've just gotten this whole family thing working as a partnership, and suddenly his job's changing and my job's changing and we're both being asked to be superhuman at the office and it just doesn't work that way. There's no time to be us, no time to be parents, no time to be husband and wife. I look at the house and it looks like shit and I realize that half the time, I just don't care. I can't summon the energy to deal with it.

And then, of course, we fight about it. These are all the things I was trying to get past this year. Trying to develop the perfect home and make it so that life is good. Instead I'm just getting overwhelmed by the same old shit, and dealing with people at work who don't understand that this shit even exists.

I'm tired, can you tell?

A part of me says write it. Put it all into words and let it come out and become something. Its a way to purge it.

I would, but there's nothing to write. I can't think of a way to make this into any sort of an interesting story. Something with rediscovered romance maybe. I wonder if I could find a way to make this a paranormal romance. *rueful smile* Mind reading as a way to renew the romance? Gah... that really doesn't sound right. *laughs* Mind reading is only a way to make a bigger mess, I suspect. Besides, they just did a movie with Mel Gibson about that.

For now, I'm just tired. Feel like crying, but too strung out to really get that right even. I should probably get some sleep. In the long run, its one of the best things for me. Pity I have such trouble doing it before 11pm. It'd make life simpler, I suspect, if I weren't always running on sleep-dep, eh?

Posted by Deb Atwood at January 12, 2003 10:32 PM | TrackBack
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