January 21, 2003

I wanted to find a song snippet I wrote nearly ten years ago -- intending to use it as a jumping off point for a story. The song referenced the "Taste of Betrayal", so I put in a search for files containing "betrayal."

I found it interesting how many times it turned up on my hard drive.

Some of the files are roleplaying files. Logs from PBEM or writeups of character backgrounds. One is an archived mail file. One is an ICQ log, which is interesting, considering I put the person who I chatted with as one of my top betrayers of trust.

I did find the song snippet, too. I originally wrote it for a roleplaying game -- my first Amber game. It represented Jenny's first taste of betrayal, both being betrayer and betrayed. It was a sour, bitter thing to get through, and changed her utterly.

But seeing all those files made me think how much a part of life betrayal is. And how sad that is.

Betrayal is such an intensely personal thing. What one party sees as betrayal may seem only a mistake by the other. Sometimes it is unwitting. Sometimes it is cruelly planned.

Have I been betrayed? Yes. My trust has been betrayed, most often by men whom I trusted to believe the same thing I did about a relationship. Often because they *told* me they did, only to find out later that they meant something else entirely.

Have I ever betrayed someone? I'm certain of it, although I don't think it was ever planned that way. Not in real life (I'm an expert at it in roleplaying games). I try to do what I would like to see done, but I also know I fail at it regularly. I'm not as good a person as I would like to be. And sometimes that is seen as betrayal.

Have I betrayed someone and have it nearly break a relationship? Gods yes. I have had things go horribly horribly wrong, and it was for varying reasons but was seen as betrayal. I hope I've done well by my friends since... like I said, I'm not perfect, but I try within the confines of my life. I love, I believe. I just don't think I've very good at getting it right. And those conflicts of belief... where I think one way, and someone else thinks another. They are hard to get past and to work through. But friends are worth it.

Betrayal isn't a pretty, or an easy, topic. I hope I can do it justice as a writer.

Posted by Deb Atwood at January 21, 2003 09:25 AM | TrackBack
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