February 26, 2003
Lost

I've been lost lately. Lost in my head. In my world of work. Somewhere around here... I know I'm here. But I'm not sure I know where.

There's so much to do around the house. We've been shopping kitchens, more and more. It's going to happen -- the move, the kitchen, everything. Just don't know how or when yet.

Work has been... absorbing. The big changes are starting to come through. In a few weeks I'll have a new boss. No, Chad isn't leaving. We are reorganizing my department, and I am moving into a new role. Is this good? Yes. I'll be able to focus more on the projects and less on the frustration. Is it weird? Hells yes... the next couple of months are going to be very rough psychologically. Strangely enough, Ambercon will come in the middle of this -- either the week John starts or the week after. I can't decide if that's good timing or bad.

Gaming... well, except for my email being completely insane (the laptop periodically decides randomly to not download messages, and then I miss them for days until I notice it happened), it's going okay. I found one of those missing messages -- have to reply to it when I get onto the decent machine in a bit tonight.

Writing... I have no idea how professional writers survive the "revision" phase. I have been working on Lamenita for days. And days and days. In some ways, I am sleeping it and dreaming it and thinking about it at odd moments when I'm not paying attention to anything else. And this story is under 2000 words long! But I'm trying to really THINK about the rewrite. I'm trying to pay attention to each word, to each sentence, and make them say what I really want them to say.

I don't think I've ever written like this before. I'm not sure I like it. I mean, I'm not sure I like how it makes me feel. Frustrated and furious at myself and tired and wanting to finish it all at once because I'm obsessed. And I'm not entirely sure I like how it makes my writing sound, either. But I suppose I'll need to read through the story altogether when I'm done with this revision.

I've been going through the defeatist thing lately. I guess I'm just at that stage in life. It happens periodically, y'know? Like there's just too much of everything, and the things I want are lowest on the list (of course) and sleep just isn't a part of it anymore (isn't that the usual way). Like I don't know why I'm pushing at things because I can't see the point. Well, no, I can see the point, but while a part of me is saying "yeah, we can do that" another voice is saying "you've gotta be kidding."

I think I need to generate a few new voices in my head. Cheerleaders. Whose only function is to jump up and down and say "yay Deb!" and instill some self-confidence in me. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to push a button and just feel steel flow into the backbone and lift you up, so you knew anything was possible? Yeah, that'd be cool.

Posted by Deb Atwood at February 26, 2003 10:10 PM | TrackBack
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