Yeah, its been a weird couple of weeks.

I was on vacation. But it was, overall, a working vacation. We stripped all the wallpaper in Dani's new room, and we worked out in the mornings, and then we went camping & hiking. So I was totally off the diet, in part because I couldn't manage to regulate my eating on that schedule, and in part because with all the working out I was constantly STARVING.

In the long run, I think it worked out well for me. I have to weigh myself at the gym tonight, but I think I gained weight. At least according to my screwed up scale at home. On the other hand... I have lost girth. My pants are all just a little looser than they were. So this is GOOD. I hope that I am gaining muscle and losing fat, which is the better way to be. And since muscle weighs more, I have to expect to not go down in weight so easily.

Honestly, if I can drop sizes and not lose as much weight, I don't care. I want to be a size 12 again. Or 10. I was only barely ever a size 8, so while I can dream, I can't really expect it. I'm just not *built* that way. A size 10 looked pretty good, though, so I'd take it!

Well, I had my orientation for the FitLinxx program at the Y this evening. Its pretty cool.

I have an ID that I can use to sign into the system. When I do, it knows all my settings for the 8 strength/toning machines that comprise the "daily" workout -- they want you to be able to do it 3 times a week, which I'm going to try for. I'm supposed to do a ten minute workout to get my heart rate going, then do the 8 machines, then a 20-45 minute workout afterwards. I can log all my Cardio Vascular stuff in manually (its not recorded automatically like the 8 machines) and it'll track what I've burned and my progress so far. Which is just totally cool. *AND* I can get to my records on the web. So when I get back from my daily walk I can record it right away before I forget.

Okay, so I like it when technology helps me out with things like this. Now if only the weight would start dropping to go with all the effort I'm putting into this!!

So today I am wearing new jeans.

Its amazing how good this can make a person feel. You see, I only had one pair of jeans I could wear to work that *really* fit me well -- my tan jeans. So this past weekend Kevin bought me some stuff -- "black forest" green jeans, a burgandy tunic for fall, exercise shorts, and a water bottle cooler. I'm wearing the jeans today, with a short sweater, and they actually look decent. Yeah, I'm still fat, but I feel good about myself and not quite so bloody huge.

I like it.

I love our Y...

I'm exhausted, though, but the good news is, the diet and exercise is finally starting to work again. It looks like I lost a pound and a half since last week. Yay!! I'm doing my damnedest to really obsess over it, as painful as it is, just to get it done. I want to be me again.

Okay, I went to the doctor today. And not only am I completely and utterly unchanged from the last time I went, I also weigh more there than at home.

This is frustrating.

However, I also weighed myself at the gym last night because they had a good scale there. And it came up the same as Dr. Patil's did. So, I have a new plan.

I'm starting fresh today. I weigh 177 clothed. That means I have 27 pounds to go before I can get holes in my head. I want to do that around Christmas, so I would like to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. 10 by my next Dr's appointment.

I am going to erase my previous scale on the sidebar tonight, and simply start over. No weighing at home anymore because I just can't rely on that scale. Instead, I will hold myself to weighing once weekly at the gym in the locker room, before we go upstairs for class. This will also keep me from obsessively weighing myself every day, so maybe I can see progress and just get some good vibes going.

And so that's that. Today is the first day of my diet. Again.

Tonight I took my first step class. Audrey and I went over to the Y for the 6:30 class. We met at 6pm, having had a small snack beforehand (I had a Luna bar). The girls went down to childcare (and had an awesome time together) and we got changed and went to class.

I was nervous. I'd never taken an aerobics class before, save the 30 minutes of torment I went through every morning of baton camp when I was a teenager. So here I am at age 34 going to an aerobics class for the first time.

We waited outside the room for the prior class to finish. It gave me a chance to observe some of my classmates to be as Audrey and I chatted. There were women who weighed more than me. There were little skinny girls in tight leotards. When we went in, they were the ones to put two risers under their steps and literally bounce off of them every step we took. They were obviously the repeat customers.

In the end, I'm proud of my performance. I managed to get most of the steps, although Erika made it easy by repeating and repeating until we got it. That's the point of this class though -- repetition to help us learn how step works, while still giving us a good workout. And when we were doing the lunges I really got into it, punching and lifting and reaching... yeah, I'm sure I'll regret it tomorrow. And at the end, for the cooldown, Erika did abs, which is something I desperately need help with because of the baby fat leftover from the two kids.

I ended up wanting to do it again. I'd love to be able to go twice a week, but right now there is only one beginning step in the evening. I'm hoping the fall schedule might change that. But Ryan can go to childcare too, and we could make it a whole family thing, with the four kids (my two and Audrey's two) going to childcare, and the guys doing their thing while we do exercise in a class or upstairs on the equipment. Then end it up with some swimming.

The catch is, it does make for a late night for the kids, which isn't easy. Dani was pretty cranky by the time we finally got her tucked in. But we'll see... I think we'll develop a routine. I need to learn to precook more meals to have planned-overs on nights like these.

Which, in many ways, is a good rehearsal for teaching myself to cook for a lunch-restaurant. After all, those meals are often planned-overs as well. So I should marinate, cook, and freeze chicken breasts, then make sandwiches or salads with the results. Healthy, quick and easy if I just plan it out right.

I think I've got a lot of learning how to handle all of this before I go insane. But I also need to be able to spend the time obsessing on the exercise -- its the only way I'll lose all the weight I need to lose. And tonight was a good start. I was jazzed, I learned, and I'm more than ready to go again. Pity I have to wait until next Thursday!!

Its going to be one of those days. I walked out of the house carrying my blueberries, a nectarine, and a weight watchers meal, and completely forgot about snacks (carrots, popcorn). I need to simply replenish my supply here, I think, so I don't *have* to remember these things.

On the good side, I get to exercise twice today -- walking at lunch, and then after work with the step class. So hopefully I can make up for the bad things I'll do. Like eating a Luna bar on the way to the class and having dinner afterwards. But I think I've got a good idea for dinner, if Kevin can handle getting it started for us. Taco meat made with ground buffalo, and adding in onions and red kidney beans, and tomatoes to flesh it out. Then it can be used as just meat over chips for him, or salad for me. And we can freeze some to use over potatoes next week as a dinner. Or on pizza. Yum!

Tomorrow night will be pasta. There was this vodka cream sauce I saw on FoodTV which I'm going to try to adapt by using fat free half and half. I'm not sure it'll work because of the fat free -- it might break the sauce. But its worth a try. I need to look up the recipe so I've got something definite to go against. But I picked up the crushed tomatoes, and I already have the garlic and shallots and I got the penne pasta. And I checked, we have vodka. The only catch is that if it takes too much cream, I might not be able to make a second batch of ice cream tonight that I wanted to do. I can't make chocolate -- it needs to be vanilla this time because I am totally out of baking cocoa. *sighs*

Well, I've been managing to walk about 4 times a week at lunchtime. I checked the distance once, and I believe it is about 3 miles. Which makes sense, given my standard walking speed, and Josh's (without me) which is faster. I started out walking it in about an hour, and am not yet down to the 45 minutes Josh can do it in. But I have been making a conscious effort to do it faster and not just amble along while I'm ranting about other things.

The hike goes first down State street, which is one block down a hill. Then across Broadway and then we turn and start hiking up the hill, all the way past the Capital. We go across the back of the park, then up one more block, then down all the way to Madison. Then we come down Madison until we get to the Plaza, then we wind around that, going through the part with the wooden sculpture that I find so soothing, then down the steps to the Vietnam Memorial, and finally back down State Street to Pearl. Its a good walk. Not only is it long, but its got a good varied pace and I get a decent workout.

Tomorrow I am going to begin doing a step class at the Y. We have a new Y in East Greenbush, and when it opened we upgraded from Dani's singular membership to a whole family membership. We've been swimming a few times, and Audrey and I planned to go do an exercise class or two once she was ready to go after Catherine was born. Well, that's this week.

We're going to do beginning step, and see how that goes. We don't have to sign up ahead of time -- just show up and join in. I'm nervous, but that's because I'm not very good at exercising in front of other people. But I need to do it. I'm trying to convince myself, actually, to go obsessive on the subject of exercise. I need my brain to kick in and just want to do it constantly or something. But for now, we figure we'll do the step class, and maybe once we get that into a pattern, we'll do a toning class on Tuesdays as well. We can take the kids to the daycare at the Y and we can do class and the guys could swim or lift weights or whatever. Make it a whole family night, and then end up in the pool afterwards for some play time for the kids.

I still want to get a treadmill eventually. I want to put it in the corner where the rocking chair is, after the chair goes back downstairs when Ryan's room moves downstairs. I can see the TV from there, and I could just as easily read while I walk. Then I can get another 20-30 minutes in before bed, or early in the morning. Although I'm not so sure morning's an option these days. Our schedule barely allows for me to get to work on time, it seems!

So anyway, I need some good toning exercises I can start doing as this all gets going. My tummy's a mess after two babies, and I need to start getting it under control. I have a feeling I could actually be a smaller size at this weight except that my tummy's all flab and loose and yuck. But me and situps just don't go very well together!

Made a failed recipe tonight. It was supposed to be either a corn bread or a corn casserole, but I put too much spice in it for me to eat it, and Kevin swears he could taste the sweet potato in it (I think he was actually just tasting the corn because he claimed it was too sweet). But the base idea was a good one, and I'll try it again. I'm betting I could make corn cakes, like crab cakes, and they'd be good. I'll try that next time, I think.

I'm having fun experimenting, working on creating my own cookbook of creative and healthy ideas. Its a fun way to use the skills I have and my obsession with food and cooking in a healthy way as well.

Comfort food is the bane of a dieter. Or at least, its certainly my difficult point. Most comfort foods are high in fat and have that wonderful gooey texture... all things that I just shouldn't be having.

Weight Watchers helps. I mean, they do have some really good entrees that are comfort foods. The mac and cheese and the tuna noodle casserole are two of them that I just can't do without.

I seem to spend a lot of my time trying to find ways of having comfort food without it being high in points. Chocolate... especially chocolate. I crave chocolate.

Jenn pointed out to me this weekend that I only seem to crave chocolate when I can't have it. She's probably right. The entire time I was pregnant, when I shouldn't have had all that caffeine sort of compound, not to mention nuts, I totally craved chocolate covered nuts. And now that I'm dieting again, I find myself daydreaming about chocolate ice cream, or brownies, or cake...

I'm starting again, aren't I?

I think that it is that when I can't have something I love, I start to crave it. Cheese falls into this category as well. And salami. Okay, so I'm weird. Oh, forgot peanut butter. I cannot find any way of making peanut butter fit the diet. *sighs*

I couldn't weigh in yesterday morning, since I was out of town. But this morning I'm back to 170, so I'm back to where I was two weeks ago. *phew* Gotta keep the downward motion going!!

Well, we've got a new blog engine on the block. Per Julia's suggestion I decided to take a look at Moveable Type which has definitely improved how this blog functions. There are now categories, like Journal, Recipe, Product Review, and Rambling (which this definitely is). So I can organize archives by category eventually. And best of all, if the test I am currently conducting works, I can blog from my BlackBerry!!

Lost that wagon again...

I started off wonderfully. I had a breakfast of cereal and blueberries. Then I went out to lunch, and planned to eat very little for dinner. So all that was good and would have brought me in around oh, 25 points.

Then we had a bad day, and Deb (er, that would be not me but Deb R.) decided, after keeping IT hopping for the past few weeks, she would treat us all to ice cream. Like I could resist Ben & Jerry's AT MY DESK!! So I ate some...

I figure, I had points left over yesterday, right? And I walked today? And I'll just have to be GOOD tomorrow. Then it'll balance out. Ah, the joys of points!!