I've updated the Voices. After going through all kinds of fiction, and getting all reflective, I've decided to start posting some old pieces of fiction here. Mostly things that have been on the net before in some form or another. Anything to keep this site being built, slowly but surely, and to give me a place to wax philosophical. Or wane. Or whine. *laughs* Okay, so maybe more of that last than I should be. I've been wistful lately, kind of missing pieces of me that have dropped by the wayside.

Yeah, I know, life doesn't run backwards, nor does it run in place. We are always marching onwards. And I wouldn't give up any of the things that have happened to me over the last several years.

But sometimes I reach back and touch those memories gently, rearranging them inside of my head and holding them tightly for just a moment. Remembering when Chris lived in our apartment, and how he moved in the day before Kevin and I got married. Remembering the Lady visiting... and when Josh and I visited the Lady. Remembering the simple ease we all had with each other -- being able to curl up on the couch together in complete comfort. Lines in the story that reflected the reality of life...

When did we all grow up, and grow boundaries? It changed over the years, and that part of me which adores Anita Blake's shapeshifters because I *understand* how they need that touch, that closeness, in order to live... that part of me craves the things that have gone in the past and are now... well... gone.

I haven't slept enough of late, and I'm being perhaps more honest than I should be. But I'll let it lie, and let you read it. After all, it is simply another piece of me, of who I am. And was.

Look into a mirror and see her staring back at you. See the me that was, and the me that still is in many ways there. Just another reflection.
 

Time to share a little -- The Devil's Panties is one of the comics I bumped into while just wandering around Keenspace. And NO its not an x-rated comic. *chuckles* What it *is* is a very humorous view of life, including goth clubs, violently feminist chicks, burger flipping post-graduation... well, I think its funny anyway. And I always enjoy sharing my sense of humor. *grins*
 

Ryan is now not only crawling, but also pulling himself up to a standing position and trying to use solid objects to pull himself along. Yes, this means he wants to walk. Which is sorta funny, because big as he is, he still looks kinda like a giant doll wavering around on two legs.

He reminds me vividly of his sister, who also walked young, and she looked just so tiny as she raced around the house. Its weird when they walk while they are still so small. They go *under* things instead of around. We used to have a very low island in the kitchen, and Dani could go under the leaves when they were up. And then when she got tall enough to bump into them, she just didn't think of them being there, so she got a lot of bumps on the head.

Tomorrow afternoon we hit the road to Massachusetts, to go visiting. I'm both looking forward to it, and dreading not being able to just curl up. Yes, the extrovert and introvert are having a noisy war in my head again. Really, you should hear it. Its LOUD. And somewhat annoying.

The piece of me that adores my friends is just dying to go and see everyone and just hang out. Show off my darling kids (yes, I'm SUCH a mom sometimes). See my mom afterwards. And well, just be social.

The part of me that's been through hell the past couple of weeks just wants to curl up with my computer and have a weekend of doing what I want, mixed in with what I need to do (like weeding the garden, the laundry, etc). Bake some cookies for Dani's graduation next Friday. Lotsa little decompression things that usually involve quiet and well, being on my own.

Somehow these two pieces just don't make a very coherent single person, do they?

This afternoon, while out walking with Josh, I kept coming up with all these rambling philosophical commentaries. Now, sitting here in front of the computer, all I can think is, "What a wonderful shade of dried blood this nail polish is and I hope I don't rub it all off as I'm typing on the keyboard."

Sad, huh?

I think I do some of my best thinking when I'm walking. Which, oddly enough, was a quote that I found in my planner (preprinted, I didn't write that part) after the walk today. Interesting day for those sorts of coincidences -- finding things written down that seem to mean what I was just doing.

I was daydreaming, for just a moment today, about what it would be like to be home with Ryan all the time, and to be a full time writer. Then I went to myyahoo.com and saw my horoscope for the day, which talked about getting frustrated at work and striking out entirely on my own (and then went on to tell me to cool off and give it a few days). I started laughing.

I guess the gods have been paying close attention to me, and are teasing me these days.

And yet, this evening, I'm still sitting here, trying to figure out what my nail polish says about me. *smile* It was metallic purple earlier this week, then this morning I turned it jewel tones blue, to match my sweater. Knowing I won't be wearing blue tomorrow, I took the nail polish off tonight and have replaced it with the dried blood color I have on now. I figure that matches most of what I own (now what does *that* say??).

The sad part is, I really *want* to just find a topic and ramble onwards. My brain just isn't cooperating. *sighs* Ah well.

Ryan is sitting in front of his car seat, working hard on dismantling it. He has the pad half off of it, and is now concentrating on tipping it over (nope, just put it back the way its supposed to be) and pulling on and inspecting the seatbelt.

Its awfully cute.

Dani insisted she was tired -- too tired for a book after I'd read one more page of Harry Potter. But now she is resisting falling asleep and keeps calling us back in for more cuddles.

Ryan seems to have completed dismantling the car seat (the pad is hanging on, barely, because the seat belt keeps it attached) and is moving on to the diaper bag. Seems like songbird-boy is also the engineer. *chuckles* Does that mean he'll end up building sets for the high school musical productions, and dating the lead? *laughs*

Nail polish review (okay, its the only makeup I wear so its a big deal to me *smiles*). Sally Hansen Chromes are even better than Afterthoughts, which are my faves. After two solid days, its still barely chipped. Given the stuff I put my nails through, this is impressive.

My day has been... in some strange ways... peaceful. A sense of settlement has draped about my shoulders, and for the first time, there is at least a piece of me which feels no stress. The rest of me is still stressed, yes, and still seeking far too much chocolate. But a piece of me has found peace. Er, yeah... that sounded really weird when I said it, didn't it?

Tomorrow I will be working at home. Ryan's daycare is closed for a staff training day, so its either work here on the couch or bring him into the office. The couch is a *far* better idea. Especially since he loves to be a tripping hazard now. He's actually quite happy if I put him down on the floor and spread a bunch of things around for him to explore. He'll roll (and attempt to crawl) from thing to thing and check it all out, giggling happily like he's getting away with something.

Today when I picked him up, he kept holding his little arms out to me. Lotsa hugs. *happy smiles* I love baby hugs and little girl hugs. When my children show me how they love me it is one of the absolute best feelings in the world.

Tonight we had to take him out of his car seat which he usually snoozes in until we go to bed, because he wanted to sleep on his side. Once we did that, he clonked right out.

Dani and I baked cookies. We made the Cookie Monster dough a while back and froze logs of cookies. I defrosted one last night, and tonight we baked it. We're going to make chocolate chip ones tomorrow, and peanut butter chip chocolate cookies later. We are bringing cookies to her "graduation" ceremony for pre-school. I can't wait to see them all performing! Its going to be SO cute, and then there's a picnic afterwards. Kevin and I are both taking that day off so we can play with Dani, and maybe go to a movie before we need to pick Ryan up from daycare.

I'm looking forward to getting to spend time with my daughter.

It is just WAY too late. Here it is, 1am, and I haven't slept yet. I was being good, getting ready to go to bed around 11:30 or 11:45 or something. And I was *tired* but I had reminded myself that sleep was necessary and I'd finally decompressed enough to do so.

Then Ryan started fussing. So I calmed him, and went back to getting ready for sleep.

Then he fussed again. So I snuggled him and rocked him and he went back to sleep all comfy like. And I finally crawled into bed.

A half hour later his fussing was not ignorable anymore. So I got up, and tried to calm him. Didn't work. So I sent Kevin down for a bottle and he had to make up more formula and then finally he came back up with one. And Ryan drank it, got to the end, woke up (he'd been ASLEEP) and started fussing again. So I dragged him downstairs and got him more. And as we're coming back up the stairs Kevin's calling out "He hasn't been crying, oh, so you've *got* him."

I was like yeah, otherwise he'd have been screaming for you. So we settled back into the rocking chair and he finally spits out the bottle and so there he is. Ryan's wide awake, Kevin's asleep again, and me, I'm miserable. So Ryan's in his crib talking to himself, and I can't go to bed because he's so wide awake and I just really can't sleep when one of my kids is conscious. Not to mention that the babbling keeps me up anyway.

If he doesn't go out in a few minutes I'll try the last of the bottle and see if he'll take it. He's actually getting too big to cuddle easily in the rocking chair -- he slips and slides all over the place.

Okay, no more talking -- he's fussing again. Time to try again.

Not ranting takes up a great deal of energy. I mean it! When there are all these words piled up just behind my fingertips, it takes all I've got to keep them from pouring out.

Which means if I actually had any free time, I'd probably write a story, twisting the rant and shaping it into something else, but in such a way that it comes out anyway.

That's what writing is for. In part anyway. It can be very therapeutic. I look back at some of the pieces of stories on my hard drive and I can point to them and say, "Yeah, I know why I started that." The scene might not have anything to do with the original reason. The average person reading it probably couldn't identify the people it was based on. Or the episode of my life that spawned it. But a lot of my writing just comes from life.

That's the trick, you see. Making the story purge some memory, getting it out of the head and into a safe place so it can be talked about without ever divulging the truth, but not letting anyone *see* the truth of it.

Some of the stories are of things I thought I never would be able to talk about. There is this one story, about a girl who meets this guy, Patrick, at a party at her own flat in college. I'd intended it to be an erotica story, but it didn't have a happy ending. Funny that -- not all of my erotica has happy endings. "A Moment in Time" most definitely didn't. Poor Laurie. Hm, but I digress.

Anyway, so there's this story that I started writing, but never finished. But just plotting it out, and going over the thing as fiction allowed me to separate the real life event from reality in my mind and place it instead into the context of the story. So at a time when I was utterly unable to talk about what had happened between myself and this one guy, I put it into "her" head, with her being the voice of the story. Instead of being my reality, it was hers. And that made it okay. I could talk about that, and it didn't hurt. Didn't feel like pouring alcohol onto this huge open wound.

I've done this a lot. Most of the stories never come to completion. But really, there isn't always a need. You see, the Voices fill the voice whether their stories are written down or merely composed in my head. They take on lives of their own and deal with things for me. This isn't some major revelation -- I've known this is how I do things for a long time. There are things which can be said and done by the things I think, and the things I write, and the characters I roleplay that simply do not fit into my everyday life. But they are still so very much a part of me. Not always parts of me I like, but I find it very difficult to create a voice that is not in some way drawn from my own depths.

Perhaps, in a way, I am a little bit insane. But very much on purpose. *With* purpose. And for me, it works.

So I suppose that yes, this is what I need to do now. Extrapolate life into a story, and create a new voice who can handle this whole situation. Who can not be so utterly stressed that she shakes during the day. Who can have a little time to herself to do things that she needs to do in order to wind down. To sleep. Or rather, so that she can *have* all that stress and I can relax. Alhough the hard part right now is that my brain is just SO busy stressing over work that there is little time to be creative.

I am obsessed by work. Possessed by work. And its driving me insane and not in a good way. *groans*

I'll get it sorted out. I give myself until Friday to find a new Voice, and relegate this hell to her. I'll feel MUCH better then.

I have no idea how to describe the weekend. There were definitely good points, and to be honest, those are the ones I should focus on I suppose. After all, if I start spinning off into the frustrating stuff I'll get into things that I really shouldn't blog in a public location. If you know me, and you want to hear all the things that are wrong in my life, drop me an email. You know where to find me. *tired sighs*

Surprisingly enough, got most of the laundry done this weekend. I like summer. Not only can I hang stuff outside if the weather's good enough and I'm home (and not watering the garden like I was yesterday) but the loads of laundry can have more clothes and STILL be smaller. *smiles* So it makes it easier to get the laundry actually done and out of the way.

Dani tried to help with the laundry too. She matched her socks and folded them, and did her undies and undershirts as well. Then she got them all put away. She was a very big help. Sometime this week, if we can ever manage it, we need to go through all the clothes in her drawers and pull out the things that don't fit anymore and the things she doesn't need for the summer. Then I can have her put her own clothes away -- when they all fit in the drawers!

Oh, she is so cute at night now! She only has two summer nighties, so when they are both in the laundry, she is wearing a t-shirt to sleep in, and she's been wearing some of my old fantasy and convention t-shirts. I saved all my favorite old t-shirts and have given them to her for when she is older. So yes, someday she can wear a t-shirt from a con I went to when I was 12 or 13. *chuckles* Only almost 20 years before she was born! Anyway, there was a black t-shirt in there with a white unicorn on it. She *loves* it.

We went to Kaitlyn's birthday party today, which was nice. Dani ran around outside, and saw a magician, and she was still talking about the magician later. She had such a great time. Me an Ryan sat in the shade with Audrey and Robin. Audrey's looking good. She isn't due for another 3 weeks or so, but I figure the baby's coming any day now. Rachel will be so excited to have a baby brother or sister. I'll take Dani over when Audrey is home again and rested a bit.

At this point I'm just totally rambling. We're watching the barbecue special on Food TV and I desperately need to get some sleep. I normally have to be at work by 7:30 am on a Monday, but tomorrow I want to get in even earlier so I can get some things finished up.

Therefore, I think sleep is the most necessary thing right now.