I was silent through the first part of dinner. Even when Brendon mentioned Ardath, all I could think was how much I missed her, but I didn't have much to add to the conversation. I considered trying to find her, but then I thought that perhaps she just needed some time alone. I'd let her be for a while, until Benedict grew worried -- then I would search her out. But until then, I'd let her be.

Conversation swirled around me as I picked at my dinner, endevouring to look as if I enjoyed the food, and as if I were paying attention to the conversation, when in reality, I did neither.

After a while, Jerrym left. I don't think he was any more comfortable than I was there. I'd been trying not to pay attention to him, so I didn't see how much he actually ate, or didn't eat, but he was silent. And neither of us traded our usual barbs.

I suppose that's what tipped Bleys off.

"Jerrym was even more silent than usual," he mused. "Is something up? Anything I should know about?"

"I'm sure something's up. Whether or not you should know about it is another story," Brennan suggested.

I stared studiously at my plate, until Bleys addressed me. "Adri? Anything you care to share?"

I look up at him, expression blank. "About?" As if I had no idea...

"Jerrym."

That I cared to share? No, not really. "Why?"

"You seem rather subdued yourself. Moreso than usual," he observed. "And since Jerrym is more... sulky... than usual, I thought perhaps they might have the same cause."

"I've just been thinking about heading out," I explained. And this was the truth. I had been trying to decide exactly where to go, and how to get there. I wanted to be able to check in with Amber regularly, and not run away the way I usually seemed to.

"You are well, are you not?" Bleys looked concerned.

I smiled brightly. "Of course!" I chirped.

"He hasn't done anything to you, has he?" Bleys asked softly.

"No..." I said slowly, "we haven't practiced recently, so he hasn't had a chance to beat me up."

"Perhaps that is why he was so silent," Brennan observed with a smile.

I shrugged. "Perhaps."

Bleys smiled. "Then perhaps you should postpone your going away until after practice in the morning."

Somehow I didn't think that would improve Jerrym's mood. While ripping into me in a practice match might make him feel better, I didn't think he'd do it just now. He was walking on eggshells, and so was I. Still, I just smiled. "I don't be plan on being gone too long. Are you suggesting that I shouldn't leave the castle."

"I just thought perhaps you should give him a chance to give you a sound thrashing before you leave," Bleys smiled. "Make him feel better."

There was no way I would let Bleys see how that got to me. "No thank you," I smiled tightly. "I don't feel like being a punching bag."

Bleys's smile was almost proud. "Well, its about time."

I was speechless. I guess I had been more transparent than I thought.

"No offense intended, Adrienne," Bleys assured me. "You had rather let him abuse you quite a lot."

I refused to dignify his comments with an answer, returning my attention the food I was pushing around on my plate. "Benedict?" I asked softly, "May I talk to you for a moment, after dinner?"

"Actually, Adrienne, if you are done, we could speak now."

I smiled in relief at the rescue, and we both rose and left the dining room. We paused when we got to the hallway. "I wanted to ask you a couple of favors," I began. He made a motion for me to continue. "I'm thinking of heading out, but I don't want to be gone... and just take off like I usually do. I'd like to be back for dinners, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to trump me and bring me through around dinnertimes."

"I will see to it that you are in time for dinner," he agreed. "Is there anything else?"

"I'd like to go home... but by the time I got there it would be time to come back," I said hurriedly. "You visited there so much. Is there any way to get there other than Pattern?"

"I always walked there," he admitted.

"Just getting out of Amber takes a while," I mused in frustration.

"Have you considered using magic to bring you closer?" he suggested.

I frowned. I hadn't even considered it. Actually, I'd never tried to learn any forms of teleportation. "It doesn't fit well with my style." Everything I did seemed related to the body, and health, and the physical ways of things. Teleportation wasn't physical.

"There are others whose style it fits," Benedict reminded me. "I'm given to understand there is a young conjurer in the city who has made a variet of teleportation devices for those who need them. Perhaps you could ask him for something. It may not get you to your home, but it may get you to Amber and on your way."

"Rhys." I nodded. "How long does it usually to take you there?"

"I was never in a rush," Benedict admitted. "A few days." At my sigh of frustration, he added, "Perhaps the journey will do you good -- a chance to be alone and reflect on things."

"Perhaps." I sighed again. He was right, and that was why I was leaving. But just for once I wanted to prove I wasn't going to run away, and here Benedict was encouraging me to take my time. I couldn't win. "I'm doing better than I was doing earlier."

I was a quiet a moment, then I sighed. "Thanks for letting me know when its time to come back. And if anything really interesting happens, could you let me know? I always feel like I'm left out of the loop." My own fault, probably, with all the time I spent with Sebastien. But still frustrating.

"I will do so," he agreed.

I gave him a quick hug, and then I left to go down into the city, to find Rhys's shop. Of course, I hadn't thought how late it was, and the shop was already closed. But there was still a light on, so I chanced it and knocked.

He called out for me to come in, and I did so, walking between boxes. It looked as if he was moving.

"Oh, Adrienne!" he greeted me with a cheerful smile.

"Are you going somewhere?" I indicated the boxes.

"I have another shop," he told me, "so I'm kind of getting ready to move so tomorrow morning I can open up brand new. Turns out someone was rather grusomely murdered in that shop, so it came available, so I thought I'd take it. And I'm not really worried about any evil spirits or anything."

Murdered? "Recently?" I asked. "When?" I hadn't heard of anything.

"Two days ago?" he thought aloud. "To be honest Adrienne, a lot of murders happen in the city. A lot of people die. But that's not really for the people up there to deal with."

Oh. I decided it might be best to change the subject. It felt weird, the way he set me apart like I was someone strange. "Actually, I came down on business."

He smiled. "Oh? What can I do for you? I've packed most of everything, but I know where everything is."

I explained my problem, and Benedict's suggestion. In the end, I ended up with a device he had built for Selwyn. I found out some useful things along the way, like that Moira can draw Trump cards, and that her mirrors are similar, and that Brand is her teacher in the subject. Interesting, but not something I was going to investigate just then.

Its a quartz crystal, hanging on a silken cord. He explained that I needed to think of where I wanted to go, and that it would take the power from me in order to perform the teleportation. It only does short jumps, because it was keyed to avoid tiring Selwyn too much.

It seemed like the perfect idea. Eventually I knew I'd need to memorize a few places, within the range of the device. But for now this would work. Rhys also offered to make me a more permanent device eventually, something to go directly between two points. I thought of home, and of my father and my brothers, and said wryly, "I don't know if I actually have a place to go yet, so I'll get back to you on that."

Then I started to think about how I would pay for the device, and realized I didn't have any money. I never really thought about it anymore, just charging things to the castle when I had to. I blushed slightly. "I forgot to think about money," I said softly, embarrassed.

"Let me ask you this. Do you want this to be a secret?" Rhys asked.

"No."

"Then we're all set," Rhys said cheerfully. "If I make it be known that I made something for the Princess Adrienne, then it boosts my standing. And with the new shop opening..." he trailed off with a smile.

So it wasn't a secret, but I didn't need it to be. And I had what I needed in order to escape quickly, but still be able to come back.

I started the trip from my room in Amber. It took three or four jumps, with me concentrating on the familiar room I'd grown up in.

When I arrived, the room was light, and I could easily see someone was asleep in my bed. When I looked more carefully, I realized I could see my own form sleeping in the bed.

I stepped back abruptly, realizing that Rhys's device must have sent me one shadow off... and I was in a shadow of my home, watching a shadow of myself sleep peacefully. Sighing, I stepped quietly out of the room, and took a quick walk down the hall, moving quietly, trying to shift shadow and slip into my own home.

Except nothing happened.

Which meant I was in the right place. And there was someone, who looked like me, in my bed. I peeked into my brother's rooms, just to make sure something truly strange hadn't happened. They were all empty as I expected. It was late morning, later than I normally slept, but she was still sleeping.

I walked back into my room, still trying to be quiet. I found a place where I could sit comfortably on the floor, main gauche across my lap, and I waited for her to awaken. She started to move a little in her sleep, as if she knew someone were there. Then she woke up and looked straight at me.

She gasped in surprise, "Who are you?"

"Actually, I was going to ask you the same question, since this is my room," I said dryly.

"This is *my* room," she insisted.

"I haven't been here in a very long time," I observed, "but I didn't know I'd been replaced."

"Father!" she yelled.

I took a deep breath and readied myself for trouble. She truly thought she was me. I just hoped my father knew the difference.

I could hear his footsteps coming up the stairs. I stared at her, realizing that perhaps a year or two had passed for her after I left. As if I had stayed and been to court. As if Amber had never happened.

My father walked in the room, and went over to the bed to comfort her. "What is it, Adrienne?" She pointed at me, and he turned to look at me. His hand slipped to his waist, for a sword that wasn't there.

"You aren't going to pull a weapon on me!" I protested, outraged. "Father!"

"See?" She pointed. I was like that? "She keeps insisting its her room!"

"It *was* my room, before I went to Amber," I protested. "I just haven't been back in a while."

"I don't know who you are, but I would ask you to leave this room," my father said gravely. "You are clearly upsetting my daughter."

Yes, she was. I was very upset. When I'd thought I might not have a place to come back to, it was because with my brothers married, I wasn't sure how much time my father would be spending at home. I thought he might be too busy for me. I never thought that this could happen.

"This is my room," I insisted. "This is my home... I grew up here for sixteen years."

"Forgive me for saying this, but you look a bit older than sixteen."

"I'm 24... 25... I lost track," I admit. "I went to Amber. Benedict?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said flatly.

"You don't remember Benedict?" My hopes were falling quickly. If he had at least remembered Benedict, I might have still had hope, but it seemed as if he knew nothing of what I remembered.

He shook his head. "We can continue this discussion downstairs, but you should at least leave this room so you are not upsetting my daughter."

I felt tears behind my eyelids. Not very brave in the face of rejection... but this was more than I could handle, after Jerrym... to have lost everything again. I had hoped to go somewhere where I could hide a little, and be accepted for myself. And even that was taken away with me.

But I was determined to understand it, to try to figure out what was going on. And to find my way home again.

I stood up and stretched, resheathing my main gauche. "Why don't you lead," I suggested, "since tehcnically I don't know my way around."

He held the door open for me, and after reassuring *her*, he led me down familiar hallways to a study that was also all too familiar to me. He sat behind his desk, in a position I had seen a thousand times. Yet he wasn't my father. I could tell that now. "Now, what is this nonsense?"

"Forgive me," I said softly, "I have made some grave mistake."

"Obviously you expect me to believe that you are Adrienne."

"My name is Adrienne Harcourt," I began. Maybe he'd at least understand, if I could explain myself. "I have five brothers, the youngest of whom is Gabriel, who was married fairly recently, but I can't remember his wife's name right now." I sighed. "There's just been a lot going on."

"And you were taken to court a year ago, where you were pledged to a young man named Justinian. You don't remember any of this of course," it was obvious from his tone that he believed nothing that I was saying.

"No, I don't remember that, because on the way to court I met a young woman named Mirelle, and you gave her permission to take me to *her* home, a place called Amber, which happens to be the same place as your friend Benedict comes from," I explained. Or at least, my father's friend Benedict.

"I let my daughter run off with some strange woman?" he protested. "I don't think so."

I shook my head. "Only because you knew Benedict was from Amber. Which I didn't know until I got there."

"You keep mentioning this name," he shook his head. "I do not know a man named Benedict."

"Excuse me, I am definitely in the wrong place." I stood, and started to head towards the door. "Just pretend I was never here."

At that point, the door to the study opened, and a man entered. Dark red hair, with a fighter's build, and a sword at his side. "I thought I heard something." He turned to look at me, and I fought to keep my expression blank. "Adrienne?" He came over to me, taking my hand, "What has happened to you?"

"You I don't know," I said flatly. But I could guess. My tastes... her tastes.. ran the same it appeared. Seeing him was like a wrenching in my gut. Here was a version of me who had everything I had ever wanted... and she had it, and I didn't. Maybe I should just never have gone to Amber. Maybe I'd have been happier.

"She is under some sort of spell?" he asked my father. I shrugged him off and started to walk away. "Adrienne, wait!" He caught up to me, and caught my shoulder in a surprisingly strong grip. "You can't leave. We must settle this. We must find out who has done this to you."

I just looked at him. I couldn't let any of the pain I felt show through. "The Adrienne you are looking for is upstairs in her room. I'm in the wrong place. If you'll excuse me."

He looks confused, and then he ran from the room, and I could hear his footsteps going upstairs, to her.

I fought with the tears that threatened, and spoke to the man who wasn't my father. My voice sounded choked. "I am terribly sorry to have upset your life, sir. Apparently my magic brought me to a place that wasn't quite the right place. I just have to figure out how to get to where I'm going."

"Very well. Take care of your magics, girl."

I walked outside and sat down roughly on the front step. I'd already tried shifting home and it didn't work. Which means either this *was* home, and everything was wrong, or I was one shadow off and I couldn't get there because I'm not good enough. Which I supposed was possible. I stood up and tried shifting. I walked for a half hour towards Amber, intending to turn around and head back again.

But once I'd traveled that time, I realized I needed a break. I found a place to sit, that half hour or so away from home, and built a fire. Then I took my main gauche and quickly sliced my braid off, dropping it into the fire.

My hair had been growing since the day I arrived in Amber... since the day I had met Jerrym. Cutting it off was like starting over again. I sat there, meditating while it burned, centering myself, calming myself.

Then I began to shift towards home. On the way, I found a stream and tried to trim my hair better, cut in short waves around my face. It wasn't perfect, but it would do.

As I approached my home once more, I could hear girlish laughter... my own laughter... and the returning deep chuckles that sounded like the gentleman I'd met. I couldn't stay here. This wasn't my home. But I had no idea what was going on, and I felt lost, and had no idea where to go next. I wanted even more desperately to go home. To go somewhere where I would be accepted.

In short, I needed help, but I couldn't think of anyone to ask. Artor, probably, but he was busy. And I didn't really want to talk to Brand. I thought of Benedict, but I should handle this on my own. I sighed in frustration. And decided that out of all the choices, Artor was really the best. So I tried to Trump him.

"Adri?" he looked surprised.

"Hi," I said with a smile. "You're on really good terms with the Pattern."

"Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

I had to smile. I always do like talking to Artor. "How could you tell something about a shadow?"

"I see you found a new hairstylist," he observed. I simply held up the main gauche, then resheathed it.

"I've been trying to go home," I returned to my original subject. "I can't there, I think. And you're about the only person I could think of who could tell me what to look for. Something's wrong."

"I've only run into that once," he told me, "and then it was set up as a series of diversions. So I kept running into events that were hard for me to resist interfering in. Then I was able to strengthen my connection with the Pattern and use more energy."

"Concentrate on the feel of the Pattern," I asked. "I've been studying the one in Tir," I admitted.

"I wonder if they are the same?" he mused. I could see I'd set wheels turning.

"I haven't studied the one in Amber, so I don't know," I admitted.

"Great, now I have to go to Tir. Thanks." But he smiled. "Yes, try drawing on more Pattern energy. Concentrate on the feel of the energy as it flows through you. Any of the sensations that you felt as you walked the Pattern. The color of the energy. The feel of it sparking at your skin. Do you have any experience drawing on external sources for energy for sorcery?"

"Some." I had a vivid memory of the lovely flames I had gone up in as Remy when I'd tried that. "It doesn't always seem to work well. But I know the technique at least. Thank you."

"If you need me again, please call." He paused a moment, then added, "Samuel is also offereing his services." He stared off to one side, asking, "What are you snickering at? Sorry, apparently I phrased something badly."

I had to smile, imagining Samuel. Still was a pity I couldn't have fallen for him. Much better choice than Jerrym, even given who his father is. "I am much better off on my own right now, no offense. And I'm sorry you had to deal with that." I figured he'd know what I was talking about.

"Just remember the Pattern cares for you, and so do we," he assured me.

"Thank you." I could feel myself blushing as he wished me luck. "I've always heard you can't go home again, and it seems to be right. But thanks."

I dropped the contact, and I stepped away a bit again. Not far, but enough and I drew in the energy of the Pattern, concentrating hard on it. And then I tried to shift.

I felt a crackling of energy all around me, and it felt as if every single hair over my body were standing straight up. And then, as things settled, I heard her giggle.

I tried it again, gathering up all the energy I could, pushing it at the problem. I sat down, spending time to meditate and gather the energy properly. I could feel it pulling in around me, filling me, until I felt as if I fairly glowed with power.

And then I stepped forward, shifting.

I wasn't home anymore. I was standing by a docks, a few ships out in the water. No place I'd ever seen before. I stared around me, bewildered, and let the energy fall away from me as I looked for a place to get a drink. But after one step, reality tumbled around me and I was back where I'd started -- in the place that wasn't quite my home.

Frustrated, and very confused, I sat down and began to meditate. I pulled the Pattern in all around me, wrapping the glow about my body like a warm cloak. Then I stood up and stepped forward, *shifting*, and I was back at the docks again. I continued pushing forward, trying to shift further, somewhere outside of this shadow. With each step I realized I wasn't going anywhere, but at least I wasn't going back where I'd been, either.

I kept the energy gathered around me, feeling like anyone should be able to see the glow all around me. I headed down into town, still trying to shift, and my frustration growing as I could not.

This place definitely wasn't my home. It was a seaport, and I thought for a moment that perhaps I had simply found a different spot within the shadow. Then I realized that they were using things that hadn't been invented yet where I grew up. I began to grow curious, looking around as I walked. I could see a house high upon the hill, at the opposite end of town from where I came in -- perhaps a manor house for a local lord.

As I walked down into town, I realized I had the perfect opportunity to get my hair trimmed properly. Artor was right -- it was a really bad haircut. Of course, I didn't have any money... and without being able to really shift, I couldn't find any. Which meant I was going to need to trade something. I mentally went through the jewelry I'd packed to take home, and figured out a small ring that would work well.

I looked around as I walked, and decided I wasn't entirely an oddity. Most of the women were well dressed, in long gowns, with hair that hung loose down their backs. But there were a few, deeply tanned women, with utilitarian braids, and slacks, who looked like they might have come off of one of the ships. I fit in far better with those than the others, despite my lack of tan.

As I walked into the barber shop, the barber chuckled. "What fight did you get into?" He sat me down in the chair and made his preparations while I murmured something non-committal.

We talked small talk while he trimmed my hair. I found out I was in Capetown, and that the Lady Jessika lived in the manor house on the other side of town. She was the sort who wasn't usually around, but she was in town at the moment. I sat and considered trying to speak with her, but I wasn't certain it would accomplish anything more than exhausting my skills with the Pattern.

At least, when he was done, I had a decent haircut -- all very short copper waves, close to my head. I liked it.

Still, I decided to try it, and headed off towards the manor house. I was beginning to feel the effort of holding the Pattern to my mind. When the world started to spin, and I felt like I might pass out if I continued, I decided to drop it. Surprisingly enough, after all the walking, I was exactly back where I'd started.

Very strange.

I didn't have time to think about it, though, since I felt a Trump contact immediately. I answered, of course, and it was Benedict, as I had sort of expected. "Is it dinner already?" He nodded, and brought me through back to Amber.

"Do you need to clean up?" he asked.

"Sort of, yeah, but I need to talk to you. I can't get where I'm going," I explained. "Well, I got there, but its not right."

"Can you tell me where you were going?" he asked.

"Home." I knew I sounded grumpy, but I was tired, and it had been a very frustrating day for me, so I was snapping. "Its someplace I know rather well."

"We can talk more about it after dinner," he said kindly. Sighing, I went off to freshen up. What I really wanted was a nap, but the time difference had made that impossible. That was the problem with trying to be in Amber each evening -- I had to find the time to sleep.

I walked into dinner, and managed to simply smile and greet everyone politely. I had hoped to just arrive and be ignored, but Brennan had to call attention to the haircut. I just smiled and said it was time for a change. He, of course, managed to turn it into a conversation. "Was it done locally, or out in shadow?"

"I've been out and about," I admitted. "Did I miss anything?" I then turned to the girl with Jerrym and smiled at her. "Well, obviously I missed something."

"We've met before, after a fashion," she reminded me. How could I forget? A part of me still wonders if talking to Rhiannon would do any good, but I promised Jerrym I'd move on, so I did my best.

"We've never been formally introduced," I reminded her with a smile.

She held out her hand. "Allison."

I took it and shook it firmly, "Adrienne." I realized then that there was a buzz of noise between Brennan and Bleys, but I hadn't caught it. "What did I miss?" I asked, laughing a bit at their expressions.

"Someone decided to destroy a statue," Bleys sighed. "Of me."

I didn't recall seeing anything like that around Amber before. "Where did it come from?"

He looked at his son. "I believe Brennan was the only one to see it whole."

"I don't know if it just appeared there, or if it was there, waiting for me to see it," Brennan admitted. "There was a minor compulsion on it, so people wouldn't look at it."

"And then I suppose a lightning bolt came out of the sky?" Bleys prompted.

"We've already been through all of that," Brennan reminded him, sounding mildly irritated.

Bleys smiled. "I just wanted to be certain I had all of my facts straight."

It was interesting, but it didn't sound like I was going to learn much more about it, so I returned my attention to Allison. Jerrym and Rhiannon's daughter. Supposedly. I had my suspicions... perhaps maybe one of Sebastian's other kids posing as a child? After all, Rhiannon and Jerrym hadn't been together all that long -- when could she have been gone long enough to bear a child? But he seemed to be accepting it, for now. So I decided to as well.

"Are you planning on settling in here for a while?" I asked her curiously. When she said yes, I smiled. I would have gone on to speak with her more, but she turned to Jerrym instead.

"Father," she began. I thought I saw Jerrym flinch when she said that, and I know I felt like I would. It sounded strange. "Do you think Rowan's avoiding me?" she continued.

"No." Jerrym was firm. "If he is not at dinner, then he is simply working on one of his projects."

"Should I speak with him?" she suggested.

"No," Jerrym interrupted her quickly, overriding even the idea that she could do so while he was there.

"What's wrong with Rowan?" I asked curiously. That was an amazingly swift reaction from Jerrym, and it sounded like he was protecting Rowan from his daughter.

"Rowan and my daughter have... issues..." Jerrym said slowly. I hid a smile. It was actually rather amusing in some way, watching Jerrym try to deal with his errant daughter.

"If you are planning to stay for a while, have you heard of Tir?" I asked. I was home, I had just realized I might want to get some meditation in before I went to bed, and thought she might like to see it.

She shook her head, and I went on to explain, "Its a reflection of Amber in the sky. There are some who think it shows portents, and others who think it simply shows what is in a person's mind." I could see Jerrym shaking his head in the background. "Your father has little patience with the fantastical," I said softly.

Allison considered it a moment, then shook her head. "Not yet."

"Were you planning to go for a purpose?" Bleys asked politely.

"Actually, I brought it up because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be interfering if anyone else were going," I admitted. "But if you would like to join me..."

"If you wouldn't mind the company," he smiled at me. "Shall we meet at the steps to Tir at moonset?"

I nodded. Then realizing there was only an hour till then, I turned to Benedict. "Benedict, could I talk to you?"

I just wanted to see what he thought about my trip home. Or my attempt. Then off to Tir with Bleys. Should be an interesting evening...