I am lying on my back, staying as still as I can so I don't wake Samuel. I've finally stopped to think about my current course of action, and I'm suddenly realizing that perhaps its not the best of plans at all.

Perhaps it is my taste in men. Not the one I am sleeping with. I have learned so much from Samuel. About how love isn't necessary for pleasure or companionship. About who *who* you are and *what* you are means far less than what you *want* and how you *feel*. About what is possible. About what I am capable of.

I enjoy Samuel's companionship thoroughly. I was angry with him once for his relationship with Alexander. I was furious when I learned he was Sebastian's son. I was afraid when I discovered he was a shapeshifter and realized what that could mean. Its take time to move beyond those feelings and back into comfort.

So its not Samuel. I like him. I wouldn't mind loving him -- although I don't think I ever will, not like I define true love. I don't think he's evidence of my bad taste in men. Not like the others.

I can't believe I didn't see it in myself at first.

But then, I suppose we are often blind to our own desires, especially when they are also our faults. It is not easy to recognize wanting something that I know is stupid and wrong. But when I stepped back and looked at my own actions, I realized that I was a child striving for acceptance. Trying to prove myself to someone I respected (god knows why). Trying to make him see me as an adult and not the baby I was when I arrived in Amber. But he will always resent me for what Benedict is to me, for what Benedict forced him to do. Which is why this situation is so ridiculous, and embarassing, for me to admit, even to myself.

But he is not the worst of it. If that were all, I could place him in the depths of my mind and forget him and be done with it. But no, I have now managed to go one step worse.

I have left Amber and any remnant of my childhood crush behind me. (But did it drive me here, still striving to prove myself?). I have stepped with open eyes into the serpent's lair.

I have good intentions. We *need* to know why Sebastian does what he does. What plans are in motion. Before he can deal with him, we need to know what other plans are in motion. Removing the brain without knowing its thoughts would do us no good.

So here I am in Sebastian's Ways within Chaos. Today he will take me touring. They will see me as Sebastian's mysterious stranger. They will wonder if he courts me as yet another wife.

And therein lies the difficulty. There is something of Sebastian that seems to like me. He invited me here, shortly after meeting me. And yet... I could swear he was flirting with me last night. I am positive I was flirting with him. In retrospect, this was dumb. Worse yet is the realization that I will continue to do so -- it ingrigues me. It is dangerous, I know. But... I have horrendous taste in men.

So perhaps Ardath is right. She claims that sex has nothing to do with love, which I cannot agree with completely. There is sex without love, and companionship and relationships that are not the true love of a lifetime. There is desire as well.

But I feel sorry for Ardath. I think she is confused, and so unaware of what is possible in her life. She is so shuttered, so careful behind her walls. She does not believe in love because she has never seen any evidence of it. I have seen it, and do see it. But I don't think she knows where to look. I've listened to her speak, and saw the look in her eyes at times. I think that she is even less aware than I of who she is. I almost want to laugh, thinking of it, and where my thoughts take me. Perhaps she needs a lesson someday.

Perhaps I need a similar lesson. I think it is time to wake Samuel. I think I'm ready for his next experiment now.