Everything had been going so wonderfully. After a few weeks here in Chaos, I have learned how to shift myself into other bodies, other people, with some ease. Sebastian's methods are different. He concentrates less upon *what* you become, focusing more on *who* you become. Despite the dislike that is obvious between father and son, I can see something of one within the other. Both look beyond the outer shell into who you are, and both believe that to be important.

The situation had settled comfortably. If I have any inhibitions left with Samuel, I am certain that they will come up and strike me over the head someday (and at a most innoportune time, as always). There are things we have not yet tried, but I think I am ready for anything (except perhaps, the time he shifted into my own shape as I shifted into his... that was strange, and thinking any further than that is difficult to comprehend as yet).

And it was a good thing I was so settled, when the situation began to turn upside down.

Sebastian and Samuel had both encouraged me to take different shapes, and to retain them for longer and longer periods of time. As long as I didn't forget I was Adrienne, and always remembered who I was beneath the shell I wore, I would be safe. One night, while being my young cousin Remy, I was informed that we would have a guest for dinner.

I was not prepared to see Selwyn walk into the dining hall.

I kept my composure carefully, using Remy's personality to override my own for the time being. His quite, cautious speech. His hesitation to speak except when spoken to. His polite "sir" whenever speaking to an elder. Remy is only 13, and as my brother's eldest son, he comports himself perfectly. He will do my brother proud in court someday. He dd me proud that night.

Remy had the freedom to ask Selwyn things that Adrienne would have been unable to say. Selwyn asked Sebastian about his mother, about his sister, about Oberon. Sebastian claimed that he did not give the order to kill Selwyn's mother. Yet he did speak to his children about what would happen if she were to die. And when Aaron decided to act upon his own, it was Rhiannon's own decision to strike the killing blow.

There are things I have not told Ardath. Things that I hold inside of me until I am certain where to go with them. Certain what they mean to me, and to the others around me. Things I still do not understand.

When Selwyn asked of Oberon's whereabouts, Sebastian's response was heartfelt. He wished he knew. So I knew then that Oberon was safe and in hiding somewhere. And I did not respect him for that. And I wondered if perhaps Oberon had set us against each other, child against child, waiting to see how the situation sorted itself out.

I remembered once again that I do not like Oberon. I do not like the man who sent my mother off to die because of who she loved. The man who then decided that she had been gone long enough and perhaps he should retrieve her to court and forgive her, as if naught had ever passed. The man who may have known all along of my own whereabouts and could be responsible for my being brought to Amber. I have to almost wonder if he is responsible for the attacks on my life later -- am I being tested for who I am?

Selwyn wished to speak with Sebastian privately, so Samuel (clad as Ekaterina) and myself made our way back to my rooms. Once there we flirted briefly with testing yet another inhibition and throwing it to the wind (Remy was quite impressed with Kat... she is a dream to a boy his age...). But there were more serious things to discuss.

Selwyn had said he planned to stay. In fact, I (as Remy) had invited him to do so, echoing Sebastian's own invitation. Yet that would make things difficult for me, as Adrienne. I did not want him knowing me for who I was, which meant I would need to be Remy whenever in his presence. Whenever out of my rooms. I wasn't pleased with that thought. And Samuel had another thought.

I never really understood Selwyn's home before. I knew he had a Queen, not a King, and that it was a society dominated by women. But I suppose that until dinner, and the discussion afterwards, the philosophy I knew and the reality of his life hadn't quite meshed in my mind. Until Samuel pointed out that if Selwyn's Alpha Female were gone, then by right of conquest, Sebastian was his new Alpha. And that Selwyn had quite likely shown up there to present himself to Sebastian.

It was a sobering thought, and a worrisome one. I knew then that it was time to return home, for at least a short time. I needed to have a conversation with Benedict, and soon.

"I think it is time for me to go back to Amber for a while," I looked up at him. "Will I be able to return easily?"

"I will accept a contact from you," he smiled at me. That smile of his is still devastating!

"I can plan the debut," I mused. "That is a good enough reason to return."

"And educate Ardath?"

My head snapped up. How did he know where my thoughts had run there? He was smiling still as I asked, "Do you read minds, as well?"

He shook his head. "No, I read body language, and hers was obvious."

"Quite," I murmured. "Yes, I had thought of that as well."

We went to Sebastian then, and I made my temporary farewells. When we walked in, Sebastian looked bemused, but pleased with himself, and I knew that Samuel's thoughts had been correct. Selwyn belonged to Sebastian. I wondered what it would take to have Sebastian give Selwyn to me. And if I could pay the price. And if I *wanted* that responsibility.

After assuring Sebastian that I definitely planned to return, I found a Way to a suitably blank wall, and shifted back into the comfort of my own shape. I had Ardath's Trump in my hand when I felt the ticklings of a contact.

"Yes?" I answered, after a quick check to be certain my body was my own.

It was Ardath, in one of those strange coincidences of timing. I stepped through to her in Amber, and she hugged me hello. We talked for a long time, and I admitted that yes, I had been with Sebastian all this time, and that I was indeed quite safe. I explained that he liked me, and that I was far more likely to learn more on my own than with anyone by my side.

She, in turn, showed me that she had retrieved her mother's sword from Derrick. I had seen the sword briefly, worn by the young man at that first dinner at Sebastian's, and then again on a couple of occasions. And I hadn't seen him in a long while. I had assumed him busy. In truth, Ardath had him held in the dungeons of Amber.

She told me that Caine had been counting family members, worried that one of us might have gone missing or into Sebastian's clutches. I promised to check in with him, and said that I also needed to check in with Benedict. "I need to tell him that I lied about where I was going," I said softly.

"Do you want me to go along and run interference?" she teased. "I might be able to keep him from you for oh, five minutes?"

I laughed in return, and brought out Caine's Trump. When I checked in with him, he listed off a long list of names of family members, Selwyn among them. My expression sobered rapidly, "I am about to go speak with Benedict. Perhaps you would care to accompany us?" I held out my hand, and brought him through to Ardath's rooms. Together the three of us went to see Benedict.

Which went far better than I had expected. It certainly wasn't easy to do, to explain exactly where I had been, especially with Caine lounging against the wall and simply staring at me. But I made my way through my story, and I feel that I made a fairly strong showing for myself. And I knew that those three, in that room, for that moment, took me as an adult and took me quite seriously.

It didn't occur to me at the time, but it is a heady thought in retrospect.

Does it sound as if I am speeding through my story? Perhaps. The details of the day pale in respect to the ending. While I can linger on the thought that I was taken seriously for once, it does nothing to change the facts that in the end, I acted as thoughtlessly as usual.

I made my leave from Ardath after that conversation (Benedict had rushed us from his room, quite busy with matters of the kingdom). I had learned a lot, including that Oberon is persona non-grata in Amber at this time. I needed to speak with Chyle, and did so (finding myself *back* in Chaos again!) for quite a while. And then he joined me in returning to Amber (once again) for dinner.

Poor Liam. I think he was quite undone by the behaviour at dinner. I was expecting the innuendo and suggestion. After all, I've made little secret of the fact that I've spent the past few days, Amber time, with Samuel. And everyone knows it was he who provided my first "educational" experience. Lydia has teased me gently, but unmercifully, ever since. She seems quite interested to know just how far my education has gone, and I wouldn't be surprised if she knows of the experiments with shapeshifting. But that bothers me far less now than it would have before. But Liam doesn't spend as much time with the family, and he certainly wasn't expecting dinnertime to become a nearly explicit discussion of my sex life. I just laughed it off, was amused by Ardath's blushes (its rather cute, actually), and tried to steer the discussion elsewhere.

And when dinner was over, I caught up with Ardath, wanting to say my farewells before I left once again. I didn't know when I'd return, and I wanted to be certain preparations for the debut continued in my absence. Not to mention that Ardath is one of the people I truly miss when I am away from Amber.

Ardath was standing in the hallway, a bit of a shocked expression on her face. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

She shook her head, and chatting quietly, we made our way to her rooms. I knew I'd likely be leaving from there, so I thought it best to go to her rooms rather than my own. We spoke of innocent things for a while. She plans to ask Deirdre to arrange the debut, since Flora is currently missing.

I don't know when the discussion turned to relationships again. It was a continuation of a conversation we had once before, not long after she arrived. We have quite different views on the subject. It was... interesting... the way we tried to prove who was worst. I had mentioned that she needed someone to whom she could be herself.

She looked over at me, not believing me. "We are not the same, Adrienne," she informed me. Her eyes had that closed off look to them as she stared away from me again. "People like Benedict, and Caine and I... we clothe who we are in words like honor and soldier. But that's not true. We lie to good people and send them to their deaths. We tell good men with wives and children at home to go on missions that we know they will never return from." She turned to look at me, her eyes clear, and her voice held a self-loathing that I doubt she even knew she was showing. "We are killers, Adrienne. I am a killer."

Ardath is taller than me, by quite a bit. I looked up at her from my smaller height, and kept my expression bland. "We have different methods, Ardath. I am no better than you, and perhaps even worse. Your methods are public, and respected. Mine are private and without much honor at times. I have been trained to infiltrate with trust, and to leave a knife in the back. I have been trained as an assassin. This is what I am. Is it so much better?"

The conversation continued, with Ardath unwilling to admit that there could ever be someone she could be with who would accept her as she was. Who could love her, even as a friend. Someone for whom she could let down her walls and be only Ardath. Only herself. Someone who did not care what she did. Who only cared about her.

While she spoke, I could feel her walls strong against me. Thick between us, as much of a fortress as Castle Amber herself. I could feel her pain, and her loneliness. And I knew that she would never understand. And that if I took the time to do anything gently I might never have the chance, and the Ardath I cared for would wither and die from lack of caring.

My eyes were sad and bright with all that I felt for my friend. I reached up to her, and she leaned down willingly into my hug, allowing me to draw her down to where I could reach her easily. "Oh, Ardath," I whispered, heartfelt for the pain she couldn't even make herself aware of.

And then I kissed her.

She stiffened in shock in my arms, and I braced myself for what I expected next. Still, I will have those bruises upon my shoulders for quite a while. She shoved me, hard, one hand against each shoulder, throwing me into the wall, and then stalked out of the room and down the hall. I slid my back down against the wall and sat in an aching heap for a while, waiting to see if she would come back. I didn't dare contact her. I knew she wouldn't accept it.

When I was sure she wouldn't come back, I looked through her room to find pen and paper. I quickly wrote a note, and left it there upon her bedstand. "Ardath... Please contact me if you should want or need me. -- Adrienne"

I shut the door to her room, and then Trumped Samuel. I don't think I'll be going back to Amber for a while yet. Not until I hear from Ardath, or until someone else calls me back. I believe Ardath needs some time to believe the place is her own. I just hope she'll accept my friendship when I return.