I should have known better. I invited someone I did *not* want to know my innermost thoughts to accompany me to Tir. And then I had the gall to be embarrassed when those thoughts were shown to him. I was being naive.

I had intended for Sebastian to join me in Tir. I was curious to see how the sky city reacted to him. I invited him knowing full well that he had "killed" Alexander there, and that perhaps he had more control over the city of ghosts than I knew. I tempted danger. But Sebastian turned me down, claiming that it was too close to Amber for comfort. Even though neither of us would have needed to actually climb the stairs to Kolvir. We still would have needed to arrive somewhere in Amber. And he is right. Both Brennan and Jerrym are still hot to spill his blood.

So I returned to Amber on my own. I saw Jerrym, and inspiration (if I should call it that) struck. The words left my mouth before I had a chance to reconsider.

"Would you like to go to Tir with me tonight?"

He looked surprised... as surprised as his usual calm expression can. "Why?"

I shrugged, already nervous and regretting the invitation. "I was planning on going up, and thought it might be interesting to see what it showed to both of us. The ghosts change, depending on who is there." He seemed to be considering it, and I babbled onwards. "We could ask Rowan to spot for us, but we don't need it. I can take care of both of us. So we wouldn't have any other influences save ourselves. I wanted to see if it shed any light on the current situation."

He was still watching me as I fell silent. Finally he spoke. "Certainly."

"Really?" I hated the way that sounded, like an excited little girl. I quickly smiled, and nodded. "I'll see you after dinner then." And I did my best not to nearly skip.

My steps slowed once Jerrym was out of sight. What had I done? I had just asked him to join me in Tir, where my hidden thoughts might be made public. I was mortifed. Or worse yet, there was a very good chance I *would* be mortified later that evening. But I couldn't back out now. Besides, there was one thing I was fairly certain of. I knew of his animosity towards Sebastian, and I was certain Jerrym cared for Amber. I honestly did want to know what Tir would show to him, regarding the war.

Later that evening, when we reached the stairs, Jerrym demanded to know *why* we didn't need a catcher for this trip.

I smiled sweetly. "Because I plan to fly us down."

He stared down at me. "Will you simply grow large and sprout wings?"

I shrugged. "I'll turn into something big enough to fly down and carry you as well. You can trust me."

He didn't look as if he trusted me, but he at least believed me. And we climbed into the sky city. I kept my mind focused on the issues at hand -- Sebastian, his children, and the war. I had spent most of the afternoon thinking about it, and had realized that the easiest way to avoid embarassment was to concentrate on other things. With any luck, Tir would have enough to show us, without making my embarassment any more acute.

There was an air of wariness in the town. When we looked up at the castle, two towers were ruined, as if some battle had recently occured. I glanced at Jerrym, but he seemed to be letting me lead. So I headed directly into the castle.

There were guards in evidence, more than usual, again implying a recent battle. We simply walked through them, and into the throne room, as our first stop on the tour.

The banner that flew was still Amber. But there were new shields upon the wall, and several shields that already hung there were draped in black. Some of the newer shields seemed familiar to me somehow, but I couldn't recognize them.

In the center of the room was a pile of rubble, as if broken things had been moved to be stored in this room. I was curious, so I walked up to the pile. I concentrated, and slowly felt my body shifting to become insubstantial. I reached out one hand towards the pile, and it still slipped through it. I had hoped that perhaps by becoming a ghost of Tir, I could interact with it. But it seemed I was wrong.

I slipped back into myself, and turned to see Jerrym glaring at me. I shrugged. "Failed experiment."

"You might want to remember that I am dependant upon you for my safety," Jerrym reminded me bitingly, "before you perform any further experiments."

I felt my back rising, as usual, to his barbs. "Don't worry," I smiled charmingly, "your safety will be first on my mind from now on, while we are here." I would stick to him like glue if I had to. I was irritated at how little he trusted me. I had known exactly what I was doing, but knew little of the effect! Once I had proven that it didn't accomplish what I wanted, I was done. Jerrym had never been anything but safe.

We headed for the dining room next. I had thought that those would be the best first stops, as they are often where things happen in Amber. As we stepped into the room, I stopped, heart in my mouth at the scene.

Sebastian was there, and myself, with 32 others. I recognized some of those others, and from that, assumed that they were all his children. But myself... oh she looked miserable. She sat next to Sebastian, and whenever he ordered her to do something, she jumped. I saw Kayla, and saw her say something to my Tir image. She didn't respond to Kayla's orders, and for that at least I was happy.

"I'm really glad I can't hear anything," I muttered, glaring at Kayla, "because she's a bitch."

I watched the scene, feeling sick to my stomach at the image. I recognized that behaviour, that complete subservience to Sebastian. Something that all his children shared, except Samuel, and perhaps Lydia. And the first seeds of doubt were sown.

I was ready to leave when the scene suddenly shifted. Everyone alive in Amber, except myself, was there. "Perhaps the other scene was actually somewhere else?" I murmured.

"Perhaps," Jerrym replied.

I just couldn't imagine Sebastian and all of his children here in Amber, and still seeing Jerrym, Ardath, and Brennan at the dinner table as well. It wasn't a future I could understand.

"If there has been a battle recently, the battlements might be the next best place to go," I suggested. Jerrym agreed, and we headed upstairs.

The battlements again showed the scars of battle. The guards here were more relaxed, less tense than those we had met downstairs. From here, we could see one of the towers, and a light moving in it. We both agreed, we wanted to investigate.

In the tower we found Brand, apparently shoring up the magical defenses of Amber. His expression was calm... almost a non-expression. I recognized it, and glanced next to me to see it very nearly replicated. "I see where you get it from," I said softly. "The expression."

"Perhaps."

"You do look a lot like him." I considered him carefully. In some ways their personality was the same. I remembered suddenly the way I had wondered just what Moira saw in Brand. I realized that most would think the same about my own interest in Jerrym.

"Thank you." Jerrym accepted my observation, almost as a complement. His relationship with his father has changed dramatically since I arrived in Amber. Once Jerrym would have slit my throat for the mere suggestion that he and Brand had anything, even looks, in common.

"I want to check into something," I said as I turned to leave the tower. "Something personal. That shift in the dining room has me wondering, and I'd like to check out my room."

We were silent as we walked through the halls, heading for my room. I was afraid to go in, worried still that my subconscious might summon images I'd rather not see ghosts enacting. So instead of walking in, which would have encouraged Jerrym to follow, I merely leaned over and poked my head through the door. Unfortunately, Jerrym's taller than I, and he simply leaned in over me.

I could feel the heat of his body behind me, even as the heat rose to my own cheeks at the scene before me. I damped the blush, replacing embarassment with fury. It wasn't the scene I had expected. Nor was it the one I had worried about. But either way, it was *not* my room.

Heavy draperies hung from the four poster bed. A variety of implements were scattered throughout the room... I could guess at the use of most of them. I had heard of them... had even heard of how they could bring pleasure. Even though I might not understand why *I* would ever want the whip tossed casually upon the nightstand to be applied to my own skin.

In Tir, Sebastian had turned me into his whore.

I stepped back abruptly, bumping into Jerrym. I tried not jump at the feel of his body against mine. It made my skin crawl suddenly, the confusion between the shame I felt at what this Sebastian had done to the Tir Adri... and the desire I still had for Jerrym.

"So is it the way you left it?"

I turned and glared at him. His expression was still mild, showing neither shock, nor ... well, not anything. A completely blank expression. "No," I said flatly.

"Something's missing then?" he inquired politely.

I didn't stop to think. My hand was in the air, then trapped with his fingers curling around my wrist before I could slap his face. Staring up at him, I had this sudden sense of deja vu, remembering such a similar scene with Samuel in Jerrym's guise, and another wave of confusion swept over me. Followed immediately by intense embarassment. Did he truly believe that my room looked like that? Is that what he thinks of me?

I think that was the moment when I realized that it wasn't just that I wanted him. If that was all, why would I care what he thought? Take the opportunity, and if he doesn't object, run with it.

But I couldn't think of it that way. I hated that he might think I truly was a whore already. I enjoy my relationship with Samuel, and see no reason why I cannot take pleasure in it. But... I realized then that ... I had fallen in love. It wasn't a crush anymore. And for a moment, I hated myself for it.

I wrenched my hand away and turned to stalk down the hallway. I hadn't gone more than a few steps when I stopped, back stiff, and reminded him, "Since your safety is top on my mind at the moment, it would be best if you keep up." I heard him move, and then he was behind me. I kept walking.

"My room is nothing like that," I felt compelled to defend myself. He said nothing, and I sighed with frustration. Then I shuddered again at the thought that Sebastian could have that much control over me. My voice was low, whispering, "I believe that made a big decision for me, very very easily. There are some things I just won't do for Amber."

He didn't answer, silent again as we walked. And I didn't dare try to read, to understand the nuances of that blank expression. Did he still believe me the whore he had just seen evidence of? Or did he understand that that was one possible future... because of Sebastian? I hadn't lied just then. I had been considering becoming closer to Sebastian... perhaps seducing him. But I worried now that I was already too close. I couldn't risk losing myself that way.

Jerrym's footsteps paused behind me, then moved off in a different direction. I turned, and realized he was following the Tir version of himself. I caught up quickly, and we both saw the Tir Jerrym slip into a room. We walked through the door to find ourselves in a sitting room, where the Tir Jerrym was speaking to the Tir ghost of myself.

She was sitting up the couch, tears on her face. I felt that crawling of the skin upon my back -- this was the same Adrienne who had been Sebastian's slave at dinner. Then I realized that Jerrym was talking to her kindly, not arguing as we usually do. They spoke at length, then he walked over to sit down on the couch next to her. He opened his arms and gathered her into them, as she clung to him.

I tried not to let my jaw drop too much. I turn to look at Jerrym, who was watching the pair upon the couch. I couldn't... I tried to hide the thoughts that raced through my mind. The confusion. The wondering what he thought of the scene. "Somehow I don't see you as..." my voice trailed off, as I searched for words. "No, I'm having difficulty reconciling the images." I looked pointedly from the Jerrym beside me, to the one comforting Adrienne upon the couch. In my imagination, perhaps, but when presented with it before me, it was difficult to conceive of Jerrym comforting anyone, and most especially, myself.

Jerrym still gazed at the couch, but it didn't seem as if the scene had his full attention. "Perhaps that's it," he seemed to agree.

"What?" I asked in some confusion. I didn't think I had drawn a conclusion. At least not out loud.

He looked over with some surprise that I had spoken. "Nothing."

I was still confused. "Are you talking to yourself now?"

"Yes, I am," he agreed with me. But that didn't help.

I pressed the issue, still curious what he had meant, "Oh. And perhaps what's it?"

"Nothing you need to worry about," he brushed me off. Upon the couch, the Tir Jerrym drew Adrienne close for a kiss, startling the girl. I knew how she felt -- I would be startled as well if Jerrym were to kiss me. But she reacted as I would, leaning in and...

I turned my back on the scene. "Do you want to leave?"

Jerrym's eyes gazed past me, and I knew exactly what he was watching. "Perhaps we could stay a little longer," he suggested. "Just to see how things turn."

I was mortified. "To see how far it goes?"

"Well, not all the way, but there's a point at which..."

His voice trailed off, and I searched desperately for a way to change the conversation. A way to distract him from staring at the pair upon the couch. I could still see them out of the corner of my eyes, and was torn between wanting to run away from the images, and wanting to recreate them myself. "Let's go back to the previous conversation," I suggested hurriedly. "What were you talking to yourself about?"

Jerrym looked down at me for a moment. "It is my custom to keep any conversation I may have with myself private."

I had his attention. If only I could keep it! "Even when you have it out loud, in front of someone else?" I argued. Jerrym was silent, and his eyes slid past me once more. I nearly groaned with frustration, as I fought rising embarassment. "If you're going to talk to yourself in front of me then you might as well just include me!"

He didn't smile, but that was the impression I got. That sort of patronizing smile given to children who have just managed to miss the most obvious of hints. "But if I included you, then I would be talking to you, and not to myself."

At that moment, the Jerrym upon the couch began to gently unbutton Adrienne's blouse. I knew I had failed to keep the nerves as bay, as I felt heat rising to my cheeks. I tried to studiously ignore the scene and pay attention to the conversation. "You've already had the conversation with yourself," I reminded him. "You'd just be recounting what led up to the end part that you *did* see fit to include me in."

Jerrym seemed confused for a moment, then shook his head. "I think it would best if we didn't discuss this any further."

I swallowed back the frustration. "I see." My words were clipped and tight. I started to look away, but realized that left my eyes resting upon the scene where Jerrym's hands trailed over Adrienne's breast, teasing her as he slipped the blouse from her shoulders.

"Could you hear me if I don't talk out loud?"

My attention snapped back to the real Jerrym. "No," I said in some confusion. "How would I hear you if you're not talking out loud?"

"What?" He looked at me as if he had forgotten I was there.

I realized then that he couldn't just be talking to himself, nor was he concentrating on the couch as I had worried. He was speaking to someone else. Probably over Trump. "Who are you talking to? You don't trust me! You've got a spotter on the other end of a Trump, don't you?" I swallowed hard, and pushed rising tears away. "You don't trust me," I muttered. I turned my back and walked away. I couldn't leave the room. I was responsible for him. I had to prove to him that he could trust me.

And I couldn't leave him alone with the scene on the couch.

"Very convenient, yes," Jerrym spoke to whoever it was. I tried not to listen, but after a pause he added, "There are people that I don't mind knowing the truth."

I spun around again, trying to ignore Adrienne's blouse lying on the floor next to the couch, and the ghostly hands of Jerrym moving over her body. "What truth, Jerrym?" I choked out.

"The truth about who I am talking to," he admitted.

I blinked back tears. "Who is it?"

"My end of the argument was that I didn't want to tell you," he explained patiently. "Perhaps the person I am talking to may choose to tell you, as they seem to wish that I would."

Frustrated with his lack of trust, I clenched my teeth and looked away. I didn't understand.

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, and looked up to see Sebastian entering the room. "Oh, just tell me this scene is *not* going to get any worse!" I groaned.

Sebastian laughed. The ghostly Jerrym looked furious, but didn't get up from the couch, while Adrienne looked as if she wanted to curl up and die. I could sympathize with her at that moment, as I felt much the same! Sebastian held out one hand and beckoned to Adrienne, and she jumped up and went to his side.

And then, thankfully, Tir began to fade around us.

I hesitated only long enough to realize that Tir itself was fading, not just the scene. Then I shifted rapidly into the wyvern form I had been practicing, and reached out with one hand to grasp Jerrym. I flew us both down to Kolvir, and changed back into myself once I had let him go.

The conversation was stilted. "I think we learned some useful things," I shrugged. "If those were all Sebastian's children, then we know who we need to watch, if we can find them." I gazed up at him. "I'm afraid that if we kill Sebastian, then the plans he has set in his children will just go off. And we won't know what they are, or be prepared." I turned away slightly, shuddering, "but I've also realized that I just won't go that far for Amber."

When I looked back, Jerrym was smiling. He reached out one hand, laying it on my shoulder, then squeezing reassuringly. And then he began to walk back towards the castle.

I stood there, shocked silent, for a moment. Then I turned and called out, "Jerrym! Are you going to practice, or to sleep?" His expression reminded me that I should already have known the answer. "Oh," I said softly. "Then I'll see you on the practice field."

I followed him back down to the castle, then went my own way to get changed for practice. I arrived at the practice field just in time to see Ardath hugging Artor, wishing him thanks. I paused again, confused, as the scene didn't fit my image of Ardath. She caught my scowl, and after a brief exchange, agreed to allow me to work out my frustrations.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked quietly, as we prepared to spar.

I shook my head. "Not now. Later maybe." I could feel all the frustration of the evening boiling through me as we began. Ardath worked me well. She tried to push me to anger, but I worked hard to stay calm, and not give in to my emotions. It wasn't easy.

Practice and breakfast became a blur, as I was lost further and further into my own thoughts. When I finished eating, I pushed back my chair and stood. "Ardath, do you have a minute?" I asked softly. She looked up, and immediately stood to join me.

I went to my own room, exhausted by the night and by practice, and knowing I wanted to sleep. But I needed to talk, and I knew Ardath would listen. We might not agree on everything, but we listened to each other. Once I'd shut the door and slumped on the bed, the words tumbled over each other. I didn't tell about the destroyed towers... or even about Brand's imprisonment. But everything about Sebastian, and Jerrym... the words knocked against each other in my haste to speak, altenately mumbling and gulping tears back. I refused to give in, but my voice was raw with the pain.

"Do you still think I should run out and fall in love?" Ardath teased gently when I was through.

I looked up at her through a damp haze. "Try to choose better than I did," I whispered. The worst part was that it was true. I was in love, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to be. Didn't understand the attraction. Couldn't stop it if I'd tried. And I felt so confused it hurt. I could feel the tight ball of pain inside my chest, bubbling over into sudden tears.

Ardath sat with me and talked for a long time. She helped me just by letting me talk things through, trying to figure out where to go next. First Benedict, to try to explain the situation... except, perhaps, for my feelings about Jerrym. There's no need for Benedict to know that. Then I need to talk to Samuel and Sebastian. Its time for me to return to Amber. I'm the only one stopping this war right now, and... perhaps I shouldn't be.

When I finally fell asleep, Ardath was still sitting in my room, watching over me.